giving thanks

I shouldn't have, but I peeked, and something broke and I can't fix it and

Richard Siken wrote, everything I've left behind has claw marks on it, and that's how i feel, clawing my way out of this again and again and again and I hate myself for it, I hate it so much and

cuz it felt like an alternate universe. where things were perfect and you still told the truth and I would've been the first one. all I have is mutual friends, I'm trying to be thankful, I'm sorry. you, in earnest, I missed that among the sea of affectation.

and the claws, the claws, I see the apologist clawing out of me too and I've been too tired to suppress it recently. what's the name for the stage of grief when you start bargaining ? when you release, when you say as long as I can have you I can forgive everything?

That's me when the ball's in your court and it's never in mine for very long. Hedonistic doesn't play well, and I just , just, just want one afternoon in a coffee shop.

Maybe we don't have to rehash the past, but it's always the same ache and your best friend and my feelings and he tells me about you defending me and I almost start crying.

and I wanted to hurt you, because I'm not a good person for wanting a revenge of my own. it's wrongful, but i still want it. i want you to say you were hurtful, want you to look me in the eyes.

maybe I got entangled too early. so what if they never reciprocate? I was thinking about how marvelous it is that in a conversation both people have to invest time. I was thinking about why anyone would single-task on me, even I  think I'd be divorced first and of course it's because we've broken up and that's extrapolated to marriage.

it all takes time and I have never been known for patience;
i don't think i've been happy in months, save for when you texted me, and I hate that.

an inflight reading magazine of my own.