ctrl

it's been about a year since i've been thinking about getting my way, which is to say, it's always there. we always talk about everything in the language of control now -- power, desire, hunger -- anything that lets you get your way is inherently dangerous. i said i think i'm too superegoed, but not because i'm perfect. just psychotic enough to be afraid of myself. 

i make statements like this all the time: when i was so sure that the past is always sad because you could never return to it. now we all get a second chance but isn't that sad also, how we've been ruining it? how much we hate it? we wanted another past we were too out of time for.

someone said you only had to make the right choice 50% of the time. but the worst part is the wait between action and consequence, watching the clock time out on missed deadlines and missed opportunities and missed lives and texts. except i am always watching the clock run out.

someone said being drunk is like lag time. knowing you are making the wrong decision but being unable to control yourself anyways. it's control again -- the right way to relinquish it -- something you could blame your lack of control on -- the very idea of someone holding yourself for you is intoxicating because at last you can relax. i guess human beings weren't really born to relax, though.

i'm seeing patterns again and i don't know if they're real
i make new friends and feel afraid the cycle is starting over
and i don't feel brave enough to feel everything again