Stupid stupid stupid Asian boy

Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about Park. Sometimes I think they're too young to have said what they said. Or to have done what they did. But sometimes I can force myself to believe that sixteen year olds aren't as dumb as Hinata. Or Shiroyan. I can force myself to believe that Stargirl was sixteen. But I will always say that Stargirl was as immature as any other.

Eleanor. Eleanor Eleanor Eleanor. She left without a goodbye. Not unlike Stargirl. The difference is that Park loved her. He said so. She never said it. She left though. It wasn't because of Park. & he was a stupid stupid stupid Asian boy to believe that she loved him enough to see him again. I thought he must have always lived in an Eleanor hangover. Stupid Eleanor who wore men's clothes and ties and who had an alien stepfather, a hundred thousand times worse than Usui.

Nick. Stupid Nick. Took advantage of her? And how her name was really Cather. Levi. How do you get over an ex? It seems like they'll always remain in the back of your mind. You kissed Tina. How could you kiss Tina? But you were my first kiss. and all Park could say was We were in sixth grade as if that counted for anything. Or maybe it does. Our sixth grade was different though. They loved each other desperately. Levi said it himself. Then why did she cheat on him? Reagan said she did it too many times. Maybe it was one sided. Their relationship. Sometimes I dream that I become Wren and I cry. I have no twin to pump my stomach. Sometimes it's Theresa. Tisch and all.

So we are gone. And we put the past behind us. You are my past and he is my future. Hinata and Usui respectively. Nobody's cute when they're jealous. Samuel Kim. They say they ship him with Maddy now. He never showed up in orchestra. He didn't deserve assistant concertmaster. I pretend that I did. I'm glad though. He used to act hung up on me. Maybe I'm just delusional, or pretentious. Ha. Well I was glad to get away from it all.

There was a question. "Are you usually the heart breaker or the heart broken?" There was a question I could not answer. Sometimes I think it's even. & then I'm just like..........nah. Don't be a daft punk. One of things I often say.

I think that life is predictable. Some things. Not all. The problem lies within the surprises.