please don't outgrow me - notes on brightness

Hey guys, I know it's been a while. It's just the isolation that's hard, a subtle change from inside to outside, a renaissance into the dark ages, listen to Evanescence and t.A.T.u and cry4me because I don't even know how to cry for myself

I pepper my days with bright-eyed (tear eyed) optimism and I sink, I saw your yearning but it was my turn to cry when you left me, I wanted somehow, like I always have, for the best of both worlds

I can't believe I can't see the gorgeous beauty of Jupiter because of that stupid dark red spot, although granted that spot is a huge eternal hurricane & it will rain on my parade long after we become devoured by a red giant (maize? +1 if you understand)

Young the Giant but we are young and not giants (you are. But I'm not) I cry into the distance & a million bats fly off of the rusty ages-old cavern walls: "stop growing up without me!" in the back of my mind there is an image of a girl saying "D is a chicken" & there is nothing left of her now, she was just a bright-eyed rock cellist like the other rock cellists

We sit next to each other so politely from an outsider's perspective (Johnny, Dally, Sodapop, Darry), but I am devouring you quietly, I say things but they mean nothing. I am so drunk on you it takes weeks to recover from a brief hangover, I do my best at my role, I know soon enough my turn will be over, and it is over, now

It exists in the way you say my name with the smirk attached to the end that makes it so irresistible, I ran for miles but you were gone, I stood there among all the strangers at the station, thinking about what you said yesterday about the ad on the TV. I couldn't hear you & I don't think I'll hear that earnestness from you ever again, I weep
Sometimes I have to distance myself but it is not my fault nor yours, I try so hard not to begrudge you anything but how can I not? I remember you told me about having too many friends, I wonder if manic pixie dream girls ever get lonely

I don't think about you anymore, except as a bright spot ending in 2 pebble days, I oughtn't to expect to understand, or know, but somehow at the time, that seemed possible

I have gone back to writing my fantasies, I take extra care not to let them happen anymore, but writing them down is as good as living it, & I know that I will never see that dark, sultry boy from Georgia ever again, but we are friends on Facebook and in a parallel universe I would love you

Our relationship is complicated, I want so badly for you to be my friend, but we offend each other so often that I dream of compatibility, you are sanity

I think too much of what I did wrong, why you left, & I feel like an English Rose about you, not you and her, just you, you used to be my sanity too and I wonder where you put your dreams - I will keep them good and polished for you, in case you ever forget

I don't believe, I will not believe, it was one-sided, but there was a time in November when I thought so & it was hard, and my writings were dark and sad and apologetic

I do not want to lose this, but something has changed, a huge paradigm shift, I wish I knew how I could fix this.

please don't outgrow me