blackbear - if i could i would feel nothing

I almost cried on the bus today
and behind the first grade classroom, thinking about inertia and object permanence and how just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there
but sometimes it's just not there
and it's my fault for the emotion projection, forgive me for failing to understand but

the actress asked me to tell her something sad and the answer was dying puppies but since we're being honest here it's the truth that hurts the loudest so here goes.

all the friends that have tried to commit suicide and the friends that almost succeeded and my ex boyfriend's ex girlfriend and a will that says I hope you're happy

self harm and pain and hurt and the truth, yes the truth, I've thought it over for ages

I've been looking for home in so many places and this was the year of anybody else holding me or saying I love you seeming like a bad imitation and i'm so sorry to all my girlfriends i've hurt this year, the year i wasted, my 15th

honestly I've only cried over this twice this month which is amazing but the thought of something said reduces me completely, to a boil or otherwise

here, let me lay down my year of guilt and shame for feeling because I am sorry for being hurt, and you know one of us has to bear this burden

you know, my heart hurts and i can't remember ever calling your name or staying up until one thirty texting you and it's just as well