happy one year

if you lie and say my name in your mouth wasn't a desecration this time i would say you're lying. you're always lying and. why didn't you take a picture with her, you know?

the loneliness is pervasive because it is universal; except nobody acknowledges it; except we are so isolated;;; a scene in which i am crying and you are playing nba live and i just want to remember why i did this why did i do this and i am crying and they are watching sherlock and why does it matter if i got 8080 if nobody cares, least of all me, a mother saying what were you thinking and a me saying what were you thinking when you destroyed the thing you loved

recently, that kind of hypnotization. of the memory of your head on my shoulder and me looking out the window at these same streetlights now you know i never say bye (and i regret it) i wanted to play your song against your heartbeat in the seat in front. you're the kind of guilt because i should know better, should've known better, the monologue before the I Knew You Were Trouble music video. the truth being would that have changed anything?

and i'm still fumbling around, you know? and it hurts feeling like i have to feel a certain way or feeling like i have to be a certain way and y'all know. y'all know it when i'm always talking about how i look and always talking about how

yeah.

it's a feeling of requiring validation because i invalidate myself because i don't allow myself because i live by restriction because i can't have good things because i only bring them to ruin. independence spells blessing and curse spells a one-person shame spells failure, but that's the wrong answer.

i know the answer is supposed to be 'liberation.'

here i tell you all the things i can't partition into texts because it's better if we both keep on pretending you can somehow understand everything i'm feeling
even if you don't protect me even if you don't side with me even if you don't agree

i think it's funny how he's become a secondary character

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